I feel so damn uninspired at the moment, almost like I want to quit…give up…throw in the towel. I feel like admitting to everyone who’s ever doubted me and my ambitions, that they were right. That I aint shit, and that my dreams should remain in the realm of the unconscious.
I’ve felt variations of this before, especially over the course of the last year. So, this blog post is my way of talking my self through this “emotion” that I’m feeling.
I firmly believe that we are all here for a reason. I don’t know if I believe in God anymore, but I do believe there’s something greater at work…let’s just call it the universe…and we all have a role in that universe…we have a purpose…a meaning…a calling. I guess I’m still trying to figure out what mine is. I thought I knew. I thought I had an idea, but perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps, at the age of 38, I’m starting all over. From scratch. And with that, shouldn’t I feel hopeful, inspired and excited by all of the possibilities? No, I don’t. Instead, I’m trapped in my own head. I’m alone and lost trying to figure out what’s next, and where I’m supposed to be…or where I want to be.
I don’t want anything, and nothing interests me. I try to force the issue, but that just leaves me drained. I try to lean on friends, but I’ve nothing to say and the silence is overwhelming. I fancy myself a conversationalist. I like to talk, but even that fails me. I wish someone else was in control and I didn’t have to process any of this shit. I’ve come to realize that less is more – simplicity is desirable. Why can’t life be simple? What can I do to make it so? How long must I pay this debt?
I don’t have any answers, but I’ll ask the question again tomorrow. And, tomorrow will be better than today. It has to be. It will be.